So last night I made the big mistake of tweeting the following:
I’VE JUST HAD THE BEST IDEA FOR AN EROTICA MEME
— Exhibit A (@EA_unadorned) December 3, 2015
Now I know what you’re thinking. He was drunk. He was drunk. He was definitely drunk…and friends, I’m afraid I can’t deny it. I was pretty fucking shitfaced.
BUT…here’s the thing – it really was a genuinely decent idea. A decent idea with just one teeny, tiny problem…
Look, even at the best of times I have a vastly over-inflated view of my ability to take on the world, and I get tremendously excited about the most insignificant things. This you all know, I think. Before I get into the detail of this whole thing then, a quick story… [EDIT: feel free to skip these next few paragraphs – they’re not that interesting/relevant!]
From the age of 15 to 18 (and beyond, when university etc allowed it) I played badminton* every Saturday morning with three school friends. It was a fierce rivalry over the years between two well-matched doubles pairs, with absolutely nothing at stake besides weekly (and annual – we kept count!) bragging rights – in other words, how all non-professional sport should be.
We generally booked a court for the following Saturday’s match as we left the leisure centre, but from time-to-time that wasn’t possible. On one of those occasions, I found myself in the centre of town with two of the guys a few days later, having lunch; we were maybe 350 metres away from the place where we played, and as we got up to leave one of them suggested walking over to make the booking in person.
“Walk? Walk??” I said. “I bet I can run over there right now, book the court, and get back here, all in under…four minutes.”
“Four minutes?! That’s easy,” one of them replied. “I bet you can’t do it in three-and-a-half.”
“Yeah? How much?”
“Five point head start on Saturday. Hey, make it ten if you like. There’s no chance you’ll make it…”
So of course that’s what I did. In my school clothes I sprinted across the Waitrose car park, dodged traffic on the busy road next to it, and skidded into the leisure centre’s chlorinated lobby; in stumbling, breathless tones I chivvied the ancient receptionist through the booking process, and wheeled round the second she finished.
I made it back with two seconds to spare. From that moment on in our wider circle of friends, three-and-a-half minutes became known as a “Christophe”, and…HONESTLY THIS SAYS NOTHING ABOUT MY SEXUAL PERFORMANCE, YOU SHUT UP OVER THERE
The point is that I’m drawn to ridiculous challenges, and I suspect that will always be the case…but even if I haven’t entirely learnt to reject my competitive instincts, I have at least been able to temper them through the years. And that’s important, because…
Last night I was listening to Christmas music. A lot of Christmas music. 2000 Miles…Stop The Cavalry…Fairytale of New York**… As I sang along, an idea took hold, and I found myself unable to shake it off.
What if, I thought…what if I pick a different Christmas tune EVERY DAY between now and the 25th, and write a piece of erotica based on the song title? Wouldn’t that be cool? People would love it! AND CHRISTMAS IS AWESOME – EROTICA IS AWESOME – OH GOD, I COULD TOTALLY DO THAT!!
Except no, I really, really can’t.
I’d last, like, three days. I just don’t have the time or the willpower to write that consistently, and I’d drive myself mad trying – more maddening still, I’d then hate myself for flaking out. Worst of both worlds, right?.
Still, I didn’t want to abandon the concept entirely. There are so many Christmas songs out there that lend themselves to erotic fiction! And more importantly, so many fantastic authors who could turn them into something really cool…
So here’s the plan. From Sunday I’m going to post a new prompt EVERY DAY, both here and on Twitter. That prompt will be a Christmas number of my choosing – whether hymn, carol or pop song. I have a list already prepared, so this will happen. Anyone who wants to join in with that day’s prompt may do so – all you have to do is respond with
- A piece of erotic fiction
- A piece of erotic ‘faction’
- A piece of sex writing
- An erotic photo
No restrictions on theme, length, etc – just make it sexy and make it fit the title. If you can, write it that day, or if not, within 72 hours of me posting the prompt. Do all of those things and I’ll link to it on a separate, dedicated thread – I may even give out prizes/Xmas presents for the ones I really love!
The beauty of this is that there will be a new song every day, so you can just join in with the ones that resonate or inspire, and ignore the ones that don’t. I plan to write for about 5-6 of them myself, but that may change depending on how well/badly the meme lands overall. There is no restriction whatsoever on how many stories/posts you guys decide to contribute – hey, if you think you can succeed where I’m (pre-emptively) failing and write every day, PLEASE DO.
And yeah, that’s about it! The first prompt will go up on Sunday morning, and I’d absolutely fucking love it if a few of you could join in/share/generally kick off about this. It basically combines two of my very favourite things – Christmas and smut*** – so expect me to be banging the drum on this from now till the 25th!
*Badminton’s cool, ok??
**I accept that a couple of these may not be known to non-British audiences – am aiming for a slightly broader mix of song titles over the next three weeks!
***Yes, fine, Christmas music and smut