I like mine with a kiss

How do you like your eggs in the morning?

I like mine with a kiss!

It’s now 11 days since I moved in with Livvy and her flatmate, and already it feels like the best decision I’ve made for a long time. There are practical benefits, of course: my rent has halved, we no longer have to endure the Northern Line in order to see each other, and it’s brought an immediate end to all those interminable and dull logistical conversations about where to stay on any given night.

Beyond that though, the whole thing has just made me unbelievably happy – even more so than I was already. I’ve always had a complex relationship with happiness. For a long time, I wasn’t sure I really deserved it, and as a result I was suspicious of anything that felt like a genuine opportunity to better my emotional lot. I sabotaged relationships, shied away from commitment, and maintained a wary distance between my own life and conventional, nuclear, 2.4-children domesticity. These last few years – pretty much covering the lifetime of this blog, in fact – have seen that slowly start to change, and I’m now in a position where I at least believe on some level that I can love and be loved in this way.

Maybe I’ll come back to that another time.

Right now, even the smallest, silliest things are making me happy. Coming back from the shops with a pack of Livvy’s favourite chocolate bars. Bringing her cups of tea in bed on a Sunday morning. Cooking together with the TV on in the background and nothing to do except relax and enjoy each other’s company. Seeing my clothes next to hers in the wardrobe (or, more often, in a pile on the floor). Each time I open the bathroom door and find her gloriously naked in the shower. Kissing on the sofa. Kissing at the dining table. Kissing in bed.

Kissing full stop.

I kiss her so often and so casually that I sometimes worry it must be getting annoying. Then I think about how glorious it is when she buries her face in my neck and covers it with kisses, or how much I love being hugged and kissed goodbye in the morning, even when I’m half-asleep and curled up in the duvet. I think about smiling into her lips, and feeling them smile right back at me, till one of us has to break off because it’s all just getting too ridiculous. Where’s the catch, I want to say to her – to the world. How can something feel this perfect?

Half a lifetime ago, I was 18 and head over heels in love with my first girlfriend. I kissed her every chance I got, because I’d spent all those lonely teenage years wanting someone to kiss me, and felt like I ought to make up for lost time. Now I’m 35 and no longer have that excuse, but somehow I’ve come full circle anyway – we snog like teenagers and every kiss is a wonderful marriage of excitement and nourishment. Of comfort and joy. Like sliding into a hot bath at the end of a long day – only the kind of bath where at any given moment someone might just jump in with you and fuck your brains out.

I’m enough of a realist to know that this is very much a honeymoon period. It won’t all be rainbows and lollipops. We’ll piss each other off. We’ll get sick, or stressed, or just plain miserable – and we won’t always be our best selves as a result. I’ll forget to buy her favourite chocolate bars, and she’ll stop noticing when I remember. That’s just how life works – none of us can be on top form every day, and we all have periods when we retreat into ourselves or take our loved ones (and love itself) for granted.

But one thing I hope will never change is the kissing. Everything else could go to shit, and as long as I still want to kiss her at the end of the day – or the beginning of it, for that matter – we’ll be fine. Well, assuming she wants to kiss me too. It’s a barometer of so many other things, and right now everything is set fair – long may that continue.

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10 Responses to I like mine with a kiss

  1. Wow, this is the best, most heartwarming thing I have read in a long time. I hope you feel like this forever. 🙂

  2. L. Rorschach says:

    This gave me goosebumps. I hope to feel this way with someone again one day.

  3. Jo says:

    This made my morning – thank you for writing it! Like you, I was convinced for a long time that I didn’t deserve to be happy, and luckily that’s changed in the past few years. I’m suddenly finding myself wanting a nesting partner for the first time in my life, and am happy to know it’s still possible at the ripe old age of 36. ^^

  4. eye says:

    How lovely! Long may it continue. Best wishes to you both x

  5. little one says:

    Reblogged this on Finding Her Treasure and commented:
    Kissing… oh, the joys of feeling our lips in concert! Mmmmm 💜

  6. This is beautiful – and wonderful – and everything it should be.
    Thank you for sharing this uplifting, lovely time in your life with us.
    Blowing a kiss and raising a cheer to all kisses everywhere.

  7. This is so wonderfully sweet – I started out with a smile then got a little choked up. When I first started reading your blog I was aware of a thread of melancholy that ran through your writing, but it looks like the clouds have parted. Being happy is great; enjoying being happy is that much better. And your and Livvy’s happiness is giving me a contact buzz 🙂 So pleased for you two!

  8. Krystal Minx says:

    It takes an appreciation of kissing, and for the deep intimate connection is represents, to make it last. I think when we are young, many times we just don’t have that appreciation just yet.

    For me and others I know, it took the experience of young relationships to teach us the value of a kiss. My first marriage did not have this very important trait, and it fell apart. The sad part is that I accepted it and stayed with that same man for almost 30 years, never thinking I deserved more, or that more was even really out there.

    Somehow, in my maturity, and after lots of self learning, I discovered that happiness was out there, and it might not be too late for me to find my piece of it. I learned that when the connection is true, the kissing is always passionate and desired, holding hands is automatic and electric, and the sweet loving gestures are endless. I’ve been in my current relationship for over 7 years now, and the little things have not faded. They are as powerful and meaningful as ever. A simple lock of eyes still makes my tummy flutter, as a heatwave rushes through me from my head to my toes. After 7 years, our honeymoon phase hasn’t even begun to fade.

    Happiness is out there and should never be under-rated. I am so happy for you, that you have not only found it, but you are grateful for it, and treat it with the TLC that it deserves. I hope your happiness grows from 11 days, to 11 years, and beyond. ENJOY!!

    Here’s to kissing and happiness !!

  9. Giant smile on my face as I read this. I am so happy of you both!

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