A guide to going down on me (or: three readers respond!)

After I published this post on Wednesday, explaining (in some detail) exactly how to suck my cock, I tweeted a fairly straightforward challenge (well, request) to my vulva-owning readers:

It took less than 24 hours for the first essay to hit my inbox, and another two swiftly followed. I decided to save them up and read all three in one session…which turned out to be an excellent idea, because it really brought home (in a wonderful way!) just how different they are. How different we are.

For every woman who likes firm, constant clitoral pressure, there’s another who doesn’t want you to go near her clit at all. For every woman who gets off on rhythmic G-spot stimulation as she’s being licked, you’ll find one who prefers to have your fingers teasing the entrance to her vagina – or buried deep in her arse.

It’s why, whether we’re talking cocks or cunts, oral sex doesn’t come with a handy set of blueprints. Instead it requires us to talk to our partners! To find out what they want or, if they haven’t yet figured that out, to help them narrow it down. Let’s face it, there are worse assignments you could have!

Anyway, do check out the three essays below. Each one is thoughtful, articulate, sexy, self-aware, joyful, and (in places) damn funny. Good work, people…


#1 (R, 36)

My first thought on seeing Exhibit A’s request for a similar piece from a vulva-owner’s perspective was that I would have hardly anything to say on the subject. But then a couple of thoughts occurred to me, and another, and another and before I knew it a rush of ideas crowded into my brain all at once.

Just as his piece was solely about how to suck his cock, this is, quite literally, all about me. And in that respect, writing it felt every bit as self-indulgent as taking my partner’s face in my hands and pushing him down under the duvet…

Enthusiasm! It will seem so obvious to some as to be silly to even mention it, but it’s an important one. I, and I imagine a few other women out there, have had a previous run in with a man who was, how shall I put it, less than keen. He would frequently expound on how much he enjoyed going down on a woman, how sexy it was, how much it turned him on… “unless she tastes funny, then I can’t bear it”. This sort of caveat would always be tagged onto the end of any paean to eating out. Now, he never actually went down on me, so this wasn’t necessarily targeted at me, but it made me sufficiently self-conscious (about something I’d never worried about before!) that I now have a lingering doubt in the back of my mind whenever a guy slides between my thighs for the first time. So, I need you to show me how much you want to taste me. Tell me you can’t wait to bury your face into my cunt. Leave me in no doubt whatsoever about how much you want to feel around the folds of my wetness with your mouth and tongue. That will help me relax and cast that lingering doubt right in the trash where it belongs.

Tongue. I once saw a male commenter on one of Pamela Stephenson Connolly’s Sexual Healing columns opine that all the relationship in question needed was for the man to give his girlfriend more oral sex. A woman immediately responded that this was all well and good, but it wouldn’t be of much benefit if he was yet another bloke who set about the task like a golden retriever lapping at a water bowl. After I’d finished cleaning up the coffee I’d sputtered out while reading it, I reflected that this is certainly true for me. If we’re talking about working toward an orgasm then I need focused attention from my partner’s tongue. It needs to be firm, targeted close to, circling around, and occasionally rubbing over, my clit and above all, rhythmic – it’s the constant rhythm that will kill me and leave me a whimpering, writhing mess. The lapping motion all over the vulva isn’t going to get me off, but that’s certainly not to say that a complete going over, from clit to arse with a whispering light rimming at the end isn’t going to make my whole body absolutely tingle and hum with sensation.

Fingers. I have no idea if this holds true for anyone else but me, but the needs of my cunt seem to evolve and shift. So this post isn’t just about how to go down on me, it’s how to go down on me at this point in time – ask again next year and you may well get a different answer! Once upon a time, a tongue on my clit would’ve been all I needed to be gasping for air and shaking uncontrollably as I came all over my partner’s face. But things appear to have changed, and I’ve become more and more G-spot orientated – to the where, unless I’m already in a helpless state of knicker-ruining arousal, your tongue alone is unlikely to be enough. I want your hands, those broad, capable, gorgeous hands (fucking hell, men’s hands are amazing). Take your index finger and middle finger together and slide them slowly inside… don’t rush. Curl upwards, find that swollen spot, and rub firmly, consistently. It’s not big motion, not a finger-fuck, this is a different thing. It’s that constancy, working in rhythm with your tongue on my clit, the two together staging an onslaught of my nerve-endings from both inside and out that means my world will start to get blurry. This is the point at which I’m likely to be reaching for your free hand to squeeze it tight, or running my fingers through your hair, around the back of your head, greedily pushing you further into me.

Arse. Meh. Next. I’m not against the idea, but if we’re talking the perfect cunnilingus for me, then based on experience to date, you can leave it out of the equation. Sure, it can add an extra dimension and as mentioned above, a light rimming as part of a whole sensory exploration can give me goosebumps of pleasure. But if orgasm is where we’re heading, then inserting a finger or toy is just very distracting. As the Emperor Joseph said to Mozart, there’s simply too many notes. My brain can’t settle down to find the harmony from among them and the thread of my building orgasm gets lost.

Position. It’s probably not a huge surprise that the vast majority of oral sex I’ve received has involved me lying on my back, unable to see my partner. This has been the source of many delicious orgasms, but to be honest, there can be something oddly lonely about it. I crave my partner’s reactions: I feed off his pleasure like nothing else, and when he’s down there and I’m up here, I find it difficult to read how he’s feeling. That’s one of the reasons I’ll often reach to hold or squeeze his free hand. Him kneeling as I stand is an option, and has been known to work extraordinarily well, but I think like many women, I sometimes struggle to orgasm standing up. And then there’s face-sitting. Not something I have experienced very often, but with a perfectly firm tongue and a pair of hands wrapped tightly around my thighs and arse, perhaps as I lean on the headboard for support, it can be amazing. With your encouraging grin, I can let my inhibitions scatter to the wind and ride your face, so completely lost in the pure sensation that I simply don’t care whether or not I’m going to suffocate you. The awkward question of how I’m going to dispose of your body should the worst happen can wait because this feels so. fucking. good.

Coming. As I come, shaking and crying out, keep going. Ease off the tongue on my clit but keep your fingers pushing on my g-spot and my orgasm will just keep going, rolling on and on, an unstoppable wave. It’s a relatively new development, this plateau sensation where it seems like I might keep coming forever, but it always breaks eventually and I feel like any more stimulation might tear me in half. I find myself half in ecstasy, half in agony, writhing, crawling, roughly pushing your hand and face away from me. Not a rejection, just the only (pathetically crude) coherent movement I can make to try to let you know I need you to come up here, kiss me hard, let me taste myself on you while I float gently back down.

Right. I’m off to get this laminated and stuck to my bedroom door for the benefit of future guests.

Just kidding. Exploring with a new partner can also be utterly wonderful, whether that means guiding him and talking about what works for me, or letting him explore me, and possibly show me something new.


#2 (Exposing 40)

Why oral sex is like tea (to me)…

I can’t operate without good strong coffee. If I’m going home to my parents or travelling to a country where they serve those awful sachets of Nescafé, I always travel with my own cafetière and coffee. Coffee is amazing. Coffee is my fuel. I genuinely can’t imagine life without coffee. But I still start every day with tea. Tea sets me up for the day and if I don’t get a cuppa first I start the morning feeling a bit out of sorts. I mean, I get on with the day and it all finds its groove, but the tea is what sets the tone.

I feel like that about oral sex. I love it. Giving and receiving. I want a man’s cock in my mouth as soon as possible and way before I want it in my cunt. I crave tongue on my clit to kick off play like I want a cup of tea before I start my day. The world won’t end if this doesn’t happen – I’ll find my groove with the fucking if we skip oral as a starter just as I find my groove on the day ahead if it’s straight to coffee. But just because I do it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have preferred tea first.

And just like that chart of the 16 shades of the perfect tea that goes round, there’s many shades of oral and my perfect brew may not be someone else’s. That’s good. I’m not being negative about yours. For every strong with a dash of milk there’s milky with two sugars. Here’s how I like mine.

1) Don’t go straight for my clit. Ignore it. Tease me. Take long slow licks and tease the opening to my vagina. Kiss my thighs. Bite my thighs. Tug and suck at my inner labia. Just ignore my clit for as long as you dare. When you’ve got me wriggling and squirming push my legs apart and spank my cunt. The slap will send electricity straight to my clit and then I’ll really want your tongue.

2) Once you get there don’t be too gentle with my clit and don’t mix things up too much. Firm consistent pressure from your tongue, with plenty of attention to the left-hand side of my clit will be just perfect. I’m not a massive fan of fast tongue flicking. Maybe a bit at the beginning if you really like that, but it doesn’t do a massive amount for me. And if you move from focussed firm pressure to fast flicking, I’ll just be left frustrated.

3) Don’t be put off if I suddenly go really quiet and really still and please don’t stop. This is good. Very good. That’s me completely losing myself to the sensation of your tongue. Me going deathly still is me sinking into a feeling that is never matched by cock, finger or Doxy. And it’s me absorbing the feeling of an orgasm building from a place deep inside, which is how an orgasm from oral always feels.

4) Did I mention, don’t stop at this point? Well, unless you’re being cruel…or kind…Edging me with oral is not easy, as often with me when it’s gone it’s gone, but if you try and get it right then I’m likely to still be wanking over the memory years later.

5) Skipping over 4 is fine. My orgasms are contrary and messing around with them may not be your thing! So skip 4 and there’s a couple of ways to go. Carry on as you are and I’ll be more than happy. Let the wave of feeling build and crash over me.

6) Or maybe you want to move it up another gear and being your fingers back into play? I’m not a fan of fingers in my cunt during oral, they somehow always distract me from the more subtle sensation of the feeling of your tongue. But shove two or three fingers in my arse and I’m likely to forget my name.

7) Don’t be offended if I suddenly stop you and replace your tongue with my fingers. I love getting myself off as a man watches and sometimes that’s just the way to end oral. And one of the hottest things in the world is looking down and seeing a man looking up at you, his expression changing as he feels my arse clench around his fingers and watches my orgasm.

8) However it goes, whether I come or not, whether I come gently or extravagantly, I won’t want to rest long. After that I’ll want to feel your cock in my cunt pretty quickly. I’m ready for coffee pretty much as soon as my tea has gone down…


#3 (LH, 25)

To be completely honest, up until about a year ago, I’d always hated receiving oral. I could happily give it all day long (and often did); however, the ‘receiving it’ part really flooded me with fear, as I rarely managed to reach a point of enjoyment, let alone come anywhere close to orgasm.

For some background…

I’ve always tended to be the submissive partner in the relationship – not just in terms of kink, but in general. That’s who I am. I prefer to be submissive in the bedroom, I enjoy just about everything I’ve ever done sexually, but receiving oral and going on top just weren’t for me (going on top is a whole other blog post so for now I’ll stick to oral!).

In my experience, when I’m the submissive partner in the relationship – in a kink scenario especially – oral is often something that happens to me more by force than anything else. I’ve got an incredibly sensitive clit, I mean seriously sensitive. And the thought of having a tongue thrashing against it quite frankly makes me shrivel up.

I think the way we perceive sex, and how the media tells us we ‘should be doing sex’, sadly leads people to believe that the only way to bring someone in possession of a clitoris to orgasm is to find the clitoris and touch it a lot! Rub it, tap it, vibrate against it, nibble it or ‘strum it’. Never have I read in a magazine about women like me who can’t BEAR to have their clitoris touched, let alone ‘strummed’ – whatever that means! I went through years of my life believing that I was the only woman in the world who didn’t want a finger creeping anywhere too close to it, let alone ON it.

Now I’m tremendously fortunate that my long-term friend with benefits seems unendingly keen to learn what I love and what I don’t love. Oddly, he isn’t a fan of receiving oral, so he kind of gets me. We’ve been through what I can only describe as a ‘full cycle of kink and discovery’ together, so out of anyone, he’s the one I trust to be that close to my clit with his teeth!

How do you eat me out then?

With a lot of patience mostly. And perhaps a snorkel. And as little unnecessary tongue wiggling as possible. Don’t go NEAR my clit, stay underneath it. Seriously, avoid it like the plague. Nothing on this earth is going to make me suddenly enjoy direct contact with it. And YES I’ve experimented. Suck don’t flick. Sometimes finger, sometimes don’t. Definitely grab my wrists because otherwise I’ll probably squirm away and that’s just hassle for you. Plus…well…grabbing my wrists is pretty fucking hot. I live in hope of some bruises if I’m perfectly honest.

When you get it right I don’t take very long to reach orgasm, or so I’ve been told. I certainly won’t fake it, because I’m what I like to describe as a ‘really obvious cummer’. I’m a full body tension, shaking, cunt-crunching wreck.

It’s something I’ve only recently come to really love, and I’m outrageously lucky to have a partner on hand whenever I want, who loves providing the service as much as I do receiving it. In fact, I think I’d now choose being eaten out over sucking a cock any day, and that’s mostly down to his patience and determination to make me love it!

Everyone is different, and I can only talk for my own vagina sadly, but all I can say is, if you’re like I used to be, and curl up your toes at the thought of someone sticking their head down there… find someone you really, truly trust, who is willing to accept you grabbing them and saying ‘No, not like that, there!’, and get their head between your legs as soon as you get the chance. It’s the single best thing I’ve ever done for myself sexually.

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