Q & Exhibit A (1)

As this is my 100th post on this site, I thought I’d answer some questions from the people who read it. Great (if rather self-indulgent) idea in theory, terrible headache in practice: brevity is not one of my strengths at the best of times, and as quite a few of the questions were interesting enough that they probably warranted a full blog post in response, you’ll understand why I found this exercise a little tricky.

There were 23 questions in total. Thank you to all the people who took the time to send me one. If you sent me a question and I’ve missed it off the list, then a) I blame the Gmail/Twitter gremlins for deleting it from my inbox, b) if you believe that, you’ll believe anything, and c) please re-send it and I’ll make sure it’s added somewhere below.

(Note: I’m going to post these in two batches – 12 now, 11 later.)

Why the circumcision, and do you have feelings about it one way or the other?

Let’s start with something nice and cheerful, shall we? I was circumcised shortly before my 5^th or 6^th birthday, though you’ll forgive me if I haven’t made a point of remembering exactly which one. The time of year is hard to forget, as I opened my presents at my birthday party wearing nothing but one of my Dad’s t-shirts – turns out that having a piece of your cock lopped off leads to a reasonable amount of post-op pain.

Anyway, that wasn’t your question. My parents had me circumcised on medical advice after I suffered through a couple of bouts of cystitis. Interestingly, the NHS still lists UTIs as a reason to circumcise boys, though they do now add that it’s ‘usually only recommended if a boy has a risk factor that increases the likelihood of repeated UTIs.’ From what I understand, they were a bit more cavalier in the mid-80s.

I must admit, I don’t really have any strong feelings about it as an adult. As a child, I did – I distinctly remember being too embarrassed to take my trunks off in front of the other boys after primary school swimming lessons, because I was different to them ‘down there’ – but since puberty it’s never really bothered me.

It probably does have an impact on my sex life, especially living in the UK. Studies show that around 15% of British men aged 16-44 are walking around without a foreskin, compared to 70-80% of American men, 92.5% of Filipino men, and 95% of Ghanaian men: it makes sense, therefore, that American, Filipino and Ghanaian women, for example, know their way around a circumcised dick better than their British counterparts.

For anyone reading this who has only handled uncut cocks before, and wants to know the difference, I’ve got two words for you:

1. Lubrication
2. Pressure

With no foreskin, there’s no natural lubrication to help with handjobs; and because the head of a circumcised cock is exposed the whole time, it tends to be less sensitive than one that spends most of its life under wraps, which means a firmer grip is generally required. Just not too firm. Yeah. Ow.

In your post ‘On My Sexuality, Part 2’ you talk about your first threesome. Is that your only threesome? If you’ve had others were they MFM or FMF or MMM? Want to tell us about it?

350 words per answer is probably not sustainable, so I’m going to rattle through a few quick ones, in the hope of creating some momentum. ‘Pithy’, that’s what I need to aim for.

Sadly, at time of writing, that’s the only threesome I’ve been a part of. It would be nice to change that at some point, and having only really been interested in MFM in the past, I find myself increasingly turned-on by the idea of FMF these days too. Really, either would be gravy. MMM? Probably not right now, but never say never.

You come home after a really stressful day at work, how do you de-stress? Does this change if you have a partner?

Here’s the thing – I don’t really wank to relax. I wank because I’m horny, and if I’m really stressed, I’m probably not going to be in the mood to rub one out. It’s different if I have a partner, especially if we’re close enough for her to recognise when I need someone to help get me out of my own head. Sex is great for that, though it usually takes someone else to initiate it.

When I’m on my own, I de-stress sometimes just by lying down in a dark room and having a nap. Naps always help. Otherwise I try to go into zombie mode. I plonk myself in front of the TV, or go for a run, or open a bottle of wine. I rarely pick up the phone and seek out a friendly voice: I’m not good at talking to other people about my problems.

Tell me your favourite song, the one that picks you up no matter how low you are.

Ok, but no. Can’t do that. Can anyone do that? How do they isolate one song among the gazillions they’ve listened to, and call it their ‘favourite’?? I suppose you’ve added one helpful criterion, but actually even that prompts more questions than it answers. Why am I low? What sort of a low is it? Am I at home on my own, listening to the radio in the car, or in a pub with a bunch of other people? Context matters.

I cattle-prodded my family into doing a Desert Island Discs thing last Christmas, because I enjoy it when they all hate me just a little bit. Of the eight songs on my list, I suppose the first five would qualify as ‘favourites’, while the other three were all picked for purely sentimental reasons. Make of it what you will:

1. Let Down (Radiohead)
2. Poses (Rufus Wainwright)
3. Country Feedback (REM)
4. The Boxer (Simon & Garfunkel)
5. Design For Life (Manics)
6. Letter From America (The Proclaimers)
7. Suavemente (Elvis Crespo)
8. Nessun Dorma (Pavarotti)

And yes, I fucking love The Proclaimers. Sue me.

Summer storms…..sexy or scary? Have any stories about summer storms?

Definitely not scary. Sometimes sexy, sometimes just ohmyfuckinggodhowamazingisthat. I actually have more happy memories of going running in summer storms than I do of fucking in them – the adrenaline shot I get from rain like that always makes me go faster for longer. Suppose that works for sex too…

And no, no stories, I’m afraid.

If you had to choose between watching porn or reading erotica for the rest of your life, which would you pick? And why?

Erotica, hands-down. Actually, I’m just going to cheat here and link to the article I co-wrote with Em for her Any Girl Friday blog last month, about my feelings on porn. I would get bored of porn long before I got bored of erotica.

Did you actually measure the volume of your penis when you took that Sinful Sunday photo? If not, how about just giving us the length and girth instead?

I’m afraid I did not measure the volume, and despite a couple of ‘generous’ offers to help me recreate the experiment, I don’t think I’ll be calculating it any time soon. However, show me a man who’s never taken a ruler, wedged it against his dick, and hoped for the best, and I’ll show you a man with no hands… So yes, I can give you the other dimensions.

Except, except…erections are slippery bastards. I don’t know about other guys, but mine vary a fair amount in size, depending on how horny I am, how recently I’ve come, what someone’s doing to me, whether there’s a Y in the month, and even what time of day it is. Broadly speaking though, they range from about 5.7”-6.2” in length, 5.3”-5.7” in circumference (at the thickest point), and, if we’re coming over all Pythagorean, 1.7”-1.8” in width. However, while my penis is elliptical, it’s not perfectly circular, so I guess it’s more like 1.8”-1.9” at the widest point. Broadly speaking, I’m happy to be average. In other news, geometry is awesome.

How many sexual experiences have you had with men? Would you identify as bisexual?  And added to that, do you think that fidelity would be challenging for you because you swing that way? (Basically, are you a big gay sub in denial?)

Yes, thanks for that one. If you don’t count looking at other guys’ dicks in the shower and coming over all funny inside, then I’ve only really had one sexual experience with another man. I identify as straight, but with the caveat that I consider it to be a bit of an umbrella of a label, covering lots of different feeling that all happen to have at their core the belief that you’re only interested in a ‘romantic’ relationship with someone of the opposite sex.

Fidelity is challenging for me for various reasons, but I don’t think an attraction to other guys is one of them. The ‘sub’ bit is more relevant, I guess. In order to be happy in a monogamous, committed relationship, I would certainly need to find either a partner who was comfortable switching roles in the bedroom, or at the very least, a partner who understood that side of me and was willing to help explore other outlets for it.

You have mentioned you’re not a huge fan of blow jobs. What is your favourite thing for someone to do to/for/with you?

Honestly? Make me a decent cup of tea. Everything else varies according to the person and situation, but anyone who knows how to make a proper cuppa is golden in my book. Back massages are great too – after all, I can stroke my own cock any time I like, but when I have a sore back, reaching round to try and rub it only makes things worse.

If you could be anywhere right now, where would you go?

Right now? I’d go to Brazil and stay there for the entire World Cup, especially if you’re willing to chuck in tickets to a few of the matches as well.

What book changed your perspective on life?

This is a bit like the music question above, in the sense that I can’t really give just one answer to it. Lots of books have changed my perspective on life, because that’s one of the things that really good books should do. Sometimes the change has been radical, more often it’s been very subtle, but either way there are few things better than getting to the end of a book and realising that you’ve started thinking about something in a different way. All of which is a roundabout way of saying ‘I don’t know’. Or ‘lots of them’. The last book to really challenge my thinking about a particular topic or issue was Bloodlands, by Timothy Snyder.

When I was in grade school, a classmate informed us all that his father told him sex with a woman was like sticking your penis into a hot oven. We were all slightly horrified and titillated at this. As an adult, I find “hot oven” to be an unsatisfactory description. Please elaborate.

Firstly, I’d say that if that boy’s father experienced a burning sensation in his penis on a regular basis, he should probably have consulted his GP.

You’re right though, that’s disturbing and wrong. The terrible thing is, while I can think of a million better ways to describe the sensation, I can’t think of one that really captures what it’s like. Oh, oh, except you know the scene in Flash Gordon, where that guy has to stick his arm down inside a dark, damp, gnarled old tree stump, only it turns out there’s a poisonous Wood Beast lying in wait, and the Wood Beast bites him, and then Timothy Dalton has to stab him in the chest with a sword to stop him going insane? Yeah…it’s nothing like that.

To be continued…