Go fuck myself? Yes please

Her: Where would you go if you could travel back in time?

Me: Hmm, good question. I think I’d go back to one of the times we were fucking. And join in.

Her: Oh…dammit, you have all the best ideas.

I had that conversation a while back, with an old squeeze who sadly now lives too far away for anything other than occasional, flirty chat. It popped back into my head this afternoon, when I saw the following tweet:

I just won the clone a dick kit from @sextoysuk !!!!

I've wanted one of these for AGES!!

— Abbie Cranky (@OCDcrankypants) April 21, 2015

How are the two connected? Well, while my friend was busy thinking about our time-travelling threesome, and enjoying the idea of being fucked by two guys, I had something slightly different in mind.

I was in my early 20s when I first started fantasising about being fucked by another guy. The details were usually pretty blurry back then, but whatever else the scenario involved, the dick thrusting in and out of my arse always looked like an awful lot like mine: same sort of size, same sort of shape, same circumcised head.

That sounds narcissistic, but looking back now it makes total sense – to me, at least – because at that stage I didn’t really have many other reference points. The porn I looked at as a teenager came in top-shelf magazine form, or on VHS from the local video shop; it featured plenty of anatomically instructive close-ups of tits and cunts, but no actual sex, and certainly no erections. Even at university, when internet porn was starting to become more widespread, I didn’t have my own laptop, and was too scared of being caught to do anything more than browse Literotica from time-to-time on the college computers.

By the time I was 22/23, I could probably count on one hand the number of hard cocks I had actually seen; when I imagined what it might be like to get fucked with one, it felt natural to use my own as a starting point.

My horizons have broadened somewhat since then, as has the level of creativity that finds its way into my sexual fantasies. Nowadays the guys I imagine fucking me tend to look very different, as do their dicks: they’re typically longer than mine, or thicker, or longer and thicker; some are cut, but many aren’t; some are carefully-crafted figments of my own imagination, others are dicks I’ve seen in porn clips, or Tumblr feeds, or dirty IM chats.

There’s one exception to all of that though, and it goes back both to the conversation with my ex-fuckbuddy and to one of my favourite novels, The Time Traveler’s Wife. In the latter, Henry has sexual encounters with various past/future versions of himself, as (I think) does his wife, Claire. When chatting to my friend, I was thinking less about how much she might enjoy being fucked by two versions of me at the same time (that really would be narcissistic), and more about a scenario in which I’d be able to have sex with her, while simultaneously being fucked by the other ‘me’.

The idea of that is really hot for a few reasons, but I think the biggest one comes back to that old chestnut, curiosity. I know how it feels to slide my cock inside someone’s cunt, and I know how it feels to squeeze it inside their arse. I know what effect it has when they slowly ease up and down the full length while sitting on top of me, or when they grind back against the base as I kneel behind them. What I don’t know – can’t know – is how that feels for them. What it’s like to have me push inside them, or how the rhythm of my body feels as we fuck.

I want to be fucked by another guy, in part, because I’m curious to know what it’s like to be penetrated in that way, rather than to be the one doing the penetrating; wanting to be fucked by my own cock – or wanting to suck it – is pretty much the logical extension of that curiosity. Whether it involves time travel, or a rapid acceleration in cloning technology, the first thing I’d want to do with an identical copy of myself would be to get down on my knees and find out what it’s like to experience a blow job, or a good hard fuck from the other side of the fence.

And that’s where the ‘Clone a Dick’ kit comes in. Or where it could come in, anyway. Like Abbi, I own a version of that product…except in my case, it’s been sitting in various suitcases, cupboards, wardrobes, and drawers for about the last six years. It was bought for me by one of my last serious girlfriends, at a time when she was planning to go travelling for a few months and wanted to take my cock with her. In the end the trip never happened, and we split up shortly after it fell through; the dildo kit is one of the few enduring legacies of that relationship.

I’ve thought about using it on various occasions since then, and have even discussed it with a couple of partners, but for whatever reason the box remains unopened. I suppose it’s partly fear of disappointment – for all that it should be incredibly sexy, I suspect that in the wrong hands the moulding process might just turn into a slightly tedious, awkward anticlimax – but there’s also an extent to which I haven’t really decided what I want to do with the finished product.

Right now, it’s basically Schrödinger’s dildo. As long as it stays in the box, it can be all things to all people; like the conversation about time travel, it acts as a catalyst for other thoughts and fantasies, with a resulting erotic power that exceeds what it could be reasonably expected to deliver in physical form. For my ex, and for a couple of playmates since her, the appeal lies in having a dildo modelled on my cock. Others think of it in purely decorative terms – “what a great ornament for my mantelpiece,” was one partner’s comment. I had incredibly filthy conversations with one woman who wanted to tie me up and fuck herself with the dildo while licking the tip of my cock till I begged for mercy; and even filthier sex afterwards, as she used one of her own toys as a stand-in, telling me the whole time how much better, how much bigger it felt than my dick would, and driving me crazy in the process.

All of those would be great options – and honestly, however I end up using the kit I’m sure it’ll provide a lot of enjoyment. However, running through all of the conversations I’ve had about it, and sitting somewhere at the back of my mind each time I’ve turned the box over in my hands when moving flat, or reorganising my stuff, has been one pretty basic thought…

“…I wonder how this would work with a harness.”