Sex Talk Realness: Anal Sex (aka "the interview Cosmo SHOULD have published")

Last Friday I read a Cosmo article on anal sex that made me angry and sad in equal measure. Claiming to be a ‘practical’ guide to a ‘misunderstood’ sex act, featuring two ‘anal enthusiasts’, it instead managed to combine a frankly horrible message about consent with a prudish, ill-informed and distinctly unenthusiastic attitude towards anal. Fail fail fail.

Anyway, after washing the bad taste out of my mouth with this response, and prompted by some lovely people on Twitter, including Girl on the Net and Citizen Erased…

@EA_unadorned “I hear girls who like it do this etc” maybe interview one of them then??

— Citizen Erased (@inyourworld_12) February 5, 2016

…I decided that if Cosmo couldn’t put together a decent guide to anal sex, I’d have to do it for them. Keeping the same interview structure, I tweaked the questions a bit to make them, y’know, good, and sent them out to a couple of women who actually do enjoy anal.

As part of this revolutionary approach, I also decided to include a male perspective, because whether gay, straight or bi, there are plenty of men out there who adore being penetrated that way.

All three of my interviewees were happy to be named in this piece, because none of them see a love of sex – any kind of sex – as something to hide. Good on them.

Woman A is Ella Dawson. Ella is a twenty-something blogger, writer and feminist, whose passions include sexual health and education, media depictions of female sexuality and STIs, and The Bachelor. She is, quite franky, awesome.

Woman B is Honey, owner and author of the sex blog Happy Come Lucky. Honey is in her mid-4os and describes herself as a shy exhibitionist, who is loving life now more than ever before. It shows.

Man A is Gryph, a Pervert Ninja, Paperwork Assassin, Flesh Heckler, former podcaster, and one of the nicest men I’ve met in the sexblogging community.

As a group they were awesome to interview, and I hope their answers give anyone curious about anal sex a real sense of what ‘butt sex in the wild’ is like.

Probably the No. 1 thing we all want to know is … does anal sex feel good?

Woman A: Of course it feels good, but saying anal sex feels “good” is like trying to paint a masterpiece with only a beige crayon. Anal sex is challenging, overwhelming, pleasurable, scary, intimate, painful, fun, dirty and fucking incredible.

Woman B: Oh my god, YES. I am a sensation junkie and anal sex is sensational. I love the intensity and the way it takes over all of my senses, making me feel primal and utterly sexual.

Man A: Yes, yes it really does. But like PiV sex and so many other things in life it does actually get better with practice. Much, much better…

Why did you first decide to do it?

Woman A: I’d just read Toni Bentley’s amazing erotic memoir about anal sex (The Surrender: An Erotic Memoir), and she made it sound like this transcendental experience, which flew in the face of everything I’d ever heard about anal (that it was the skanky, painful fodder of hardcore porn and no woman would ever enjoy it). My sexual partner had experience with anal and was able to introduce me to it with a lot of patience and preparation.

Woman B: I couldn’t really describe it as a decision. I was having a lot of fun with a friend with benefits. After a while we fell into a spooning position and he pressed his cock, still dripping with my juices, against my arse and asked if I wanted it. He didn’t, and probably still doesn’t know that was my first time for anal.

Man A: I don’t think it ever really was a big ‘let’s do it’ type decision for me, it just sort of happened.

Did you already have much experience with anal play, either solo or with partners?

Woman A: I’d experimented with anal play before, just fingers.

Woman B: Nope. Absolutely none. I hadn’t explored that for myself and my Ex was very VERY anti anything to do with anal. Even though it was my late thirties, it was before I had any sex toys.

Man A: It sort of both happened at the same time, fairly early on. To be fair here, the definition of ‘anal sex’ gets a bit vague. When does anal play with a partner become anal sex? Surely, it’s not all about cocks? My strap-on packing wife would disagree.

What did it feel like the first time? Was there any pain?

Woman A: Oddly enough, it wasn’t painful at all the first time. We used a lot of lubricant and went slowly, at a pace that allowed me to adjust and stay comfortable. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before, just a total overload of sensation and awe. I’d never felt as close to another person before.

Woman B: It was intense and wonderful. I lost all sense of time and reality as I just focussed on the feelings. He took it very gently, responding to my every signal, especially at the beginning. I have always liked the feeling of fullness from penetration and here was that feeling intensified.

Man A: Honestly when I think back to the first time, I don’t remember if there was any pain. There might have been. I remember the intensity of the sensation, and the fact that it took total control of my body to an extent I hadn’t experienced yet. I think we were ‘learning together’ so we were clumsy, but sensitive to each other.

What are the key things to remember when it comes to making it feel good for the receiver?

Woman A: Be extremely communicative and attuned to how they’re feeling, if they’re ready, if it feels uncomfortable, if they need to stop, and so on. You don’t need to be overbearing and terrified they’re miserable, because sometimes a receiver just needs time to adjust to the feeling, but check in with them frequently.

Woman B: Listen, watch and respond to their body, voice, sounds and breathing. Allow them the space to move when they need to – whether that is to pause, pull away or to press themselves further onto your cock. Make sure they know that you are patient and aroused.

Man A: Start slow, obviously – with getting to know a partner you will also get to know what they prefer, as well as their physical limitations. Being relaxed makes everything better for both of you. Also lube, lube, and more lube!

Is the pleasure purely physical for you, or is there a psychological element to it as well?

Woman A: There is absolutely a psychological element—anal sex is something I only do with partners I love and trust absolutely. Sex doesn’t have to be terribly intimate for me, but anal sex does.

Woman B: I have thought about this question a lot. For receiving, I am fixated on the physical. I have never had a taboo about it. I just went from never having really thought about it for me, to absolutely loving it. When it comes to giving, it is absolutely the psychological element that makes me horny and wet.

Man A: That depends on who’s fucking me/who I’m fucking and in what situation. It’s always pleasurable on both fronts, but the ratio is different for each scenario. Don’t forget that you have responsibility for your own pleasure. If it doesn’t feel good, communicate that and try something else. Change positions, take a break, use a different implement, find out what makes you go “Oooaoaorgwhahahapffft”. Own your body, it’s the only one you have.

Any useful tips re: angles & positions that we should know?

Woman A: I don’t have any wisdom on this point.

Woman B: My first time was spooning – beautiful and sensual with two bodies moving together. I have done it in doggy position more times, or with me face down on the bed. That feeds my kink of being held down and feeling his weight on me. If you want to keep control, choose a position where you can move against or away from him.

Man A: Don’t forget that the penetrated party doesn’t have to be passive. Jump on top and grind away! It gives you much control over depth, speed and general fuckitude. Also, does anyone else think that ‘penetrated party’ sounds like an awesome club night?

How about thrusting? Fast? Slow?

Woman A: Up to the couple!

Woman B: Slow, long strokes that maximise that feeling of being stretched. Then build up the speed but always, always keep the depth of each thrust. I want it all, each and every time.

Man A: Yes please – both! Also experiment with different depths if you can.

How much lube? Which brands do you favour?

Woman A: I use so much lube and I am obsessed with Uberlube. It’s amazing.

Woman B: Of course the answer is lube, lube, lube, though I have already admitted to doing anal without any. The answer really is, don’t even think about trying to do it dry. Whether it is my own soaking wetness, spit or copious amounts of liquid silk, I want his cock to slide in, not drag against my skin.

Man A: I don’t really have a favourite brand, though there are some I don’t use because they seem to irritate my skin when they dry (I know, right?). Always use enough lube to make it easy and lovely, don’t forget to top up during, if you need to. I do occasionally like going slightly overboard and ending up lying together in a puddle of lube, sweat and awesome anecdotes you’ll never tell anyone else.

Do you do any sort of special preparation if you know you’re going to have anal sex? Waxing, enemas, douches, etc?

Woman A: Nope. I’ll take a thorough shower if I know it’s a possibility, but typically nothing special.

Woman B: If I know that it is likely, I will douche but, to be honest, I have had more experiences without any prep than with. For some people it is a must, others aren’t bothered.

Man A: I do douche/enema on occasion, find out what works for you! This is where you experiment by yourself. Seriously, get a toy and go explore, you’ll thank me after.

Do you bleed?

Woman A: Nope.

Woman B: No. Nope. Never to my knowledge. Again if it feels like it is dragging or pulling your skin, stop and make it slide.

Man A: Very very occasionally, but really not much at all.

Do you spread a towel on the bed or anything? And is there much clean-up afterwards?

Woman A: No towel, but having tissues or little sanitizer cloths available can be helpful. Wash your hands!

Woman B: The most clearing up I have done is when we have gone overboard with lube. That can need a serious wipe up. Otherwise, just normal cleaning. Of course, anything that is going to go near my cunt needs washing after anal before any other contact. I do often have a towel on the bed but that is because I squirt.

Man A: I definitely try to have a towel on hand, for lubey hands if for nothing else. There is as much clean-up as you want there to be (this is where condoms on toys become the MVP) but I do always thoroughly clean all toys.

Any anal-specific safe-sex tips?

Woman A: You can still get STIs from anal sex! People don’t know this and it blows my mind. Use condoms or talk to your partners beforehand about testing, etc.

Woman B: Listen to your body. If it doesn’t feel right, just stop. Make sure there is no cross contamination from arse to cunt. You want to be reminded of it by memories not symptoms.

Man A: Use a condom, and KNOW YOUR LUBES! There’s a tonne of information available about this online. Besides that, starting slow and relaxing will reduce the possibility of bleeding.

Have you ever had an orgasm from anal sex alone?

Woman A: Probably. It’s… I honestly don’t even remember, there are so many feelings at once. Even my memories of anal sex are mottled and overwhelming. I tend to scream in octaves I don’t scream otherwise, so that’s a good indicator.

Woman B: Fuck, yes! Oh my god, yes. Deep, intense, whole body orgasms that roll on and on.

Man A: Oh my, yes! If anything, I orgasm much easier from anal sex than other kinds of stimulation. Saying that, orgasms from anal are much more involved, intense, full-bodied affairs. They make me go funny in the head afterwards.

And if you had to sum up anal sex in one sentence, as the person on the receiving end…?

Woman A: What sex is “supposed” to be for most people is what anal sex is to me: intimate, meaningful, fucking awesome.

Woman B: It is fucking amazing and feels like a total distillation of lust to me.

Man A: Bonus hole of awesome!