This is my fourth post for Smutathon 2018! Eight of us are spending 12 hours today furiously writing erotica, blogging about sex, taking filthy photos, and generally producing smut in all its glorious forms, to raise money for the Abortion Support Network. To find out more, to enter our sex toy raffle, and most importantly to donate to an excellent cause, click here!
THIS IS ALSO MY 500TH BLOG POST!
On this blog, anyway.
I’ve been Exhibit A for over five years now, though my posting history here actually goes all the way back to 2010. I don’t know how many words I’ve written in that time, but I imagine it’s somewhere north of 300,000. I’ve also published 129 Sinful Sunday posts, 43 pieces of original fiction, and one improbably successful account of getting an erection in a life drawing class – seriously, it’s where soooo much of my traffic comes from, even now.
Most importantly, of course, Exhibit A is the reason I met the love of my life, and has introduced me over the years to far more friends, lovers, play partners, and generally good people than I ever imagined possible when I started writing here.
As with my 100th and 300th posts, I’m going to mark this milestone with a reader Q&A, using some of the questions sent to me over the last few days. If yours isn’t answered here, or there’s something else you want to ask…well, maybe I’ll still be around for post #700 too.
How do you go about choosing a third for a threesome? And how do you make sure it’s safe and healthy etc
First off, I’d say it’s not always a question of active choice! Or rather, not all threesomes are carefully planned to that extent. For me, it’s often been more opportunistic – situations have developed organically from somewhere close to a standing start, which means the actual moment of choice ends up being one of ‘go ahead – yes/no?’, with the identity of the third person merely one of several inputs into that.
When I have been in a position to plan a threesome with a partner in advance, we’ve chosen the third person in a number of different ways. On one occasion, we put an ad on Craigslist, screened responses, chatted to one guy for a few days, and met him in advance to check there was at least some initial attraction/chemistry. On another, we had a friend we both knew we were comfortable being sexual/intimate around, so the choice was very easy.
Either way, I think it’s important you find someone you can both relax with, and who you trust not to violate any boundaries or behave inappropriately. Depending on the dynamic you’re going for, it’s not vital that all three of you fancy each other, but certainly I prefer to tick that box if at all possible.
As for safe and healthy, I see no need to approach that differently in a threesome than I would elsewhere. Apply your own standards for engaging with a new partner, whether that means everyone getting tested before you have any sexual contact at all, or whether there are certain activities (oral, etc) you might be happy to do without protection or prior screening at all. Just make sure you check in with your partner at all stages, and that no-one is pressured into doing anything they’re not comfortable with.
Do you watch porn – if so, what’s your favourite genre?
I rarely watch porn, to be honest! My porn consumption has never been particularly high – I’ve always preferred erotica – and it’s definitely declined over time. There are various reasons for that, but the simplest is probably a function of why I did occasionally watch it in my early/mid-20s. I was much less sexually experienced back then, and while a number of my kinks were fairly fully-formed, I’d had very few opportunities to put them into practice. Porn was a window on the world I wanted to inhabit, and that influenced the type of porn I chose to watch. Femdom scenes (especially if they involved pegging), group sex, and M/M gay sex (oral and anal) all featured regularly, and those were the genres that produced the quickest and most powerful orgasms.
Of course at 37 I’ve got a pretty solid wank bank of memories to fall back on when I want to think about those things, so I have less of a need to use porn as a way of filling in the gaps. I did go through a period recently of watching a whole bunch of super-hot ruined orgasm clips, so maybe that’s next on my list of fun kinks to play around with, but overall I’d say I’m no more than an occasional viewer these days.
Which five people – real or fictional, living or dead – would you invite to your dream orgy?
This is such a good question!! It also invites a whole host of difficult questions. If there are six of us, what should the gender mix be? Do I want past partners (who I know are good in bed) or new people who I’ve always wanted to fuck? Should I try to balance it towards certain activities, using what I know about people’s preferences to guide my selections? I could literally spend a whole evening debating each one of these, and I have a feeling that when the Smutathon bell rings at 10pm, that’s exactly what I might do.
(Incidentally, I’d happily have any one of my seven fellow Smutathon writers at this dream orgy – they’re all awesome.)
Anyway, one of the five picks is a very easy one. I’ve attended five official sex parties and one impromptu birthday orgy, and on each occasion Liv has been there with me. I wouldn’t want to go to an event like that without her.
The other four though…fuck… Ok:
- Jon Hamm. He’s got the sort of tall, imposing presence that says he’d be great to watch in bed, but with enough humour and snark mixed in that you kinda think he’d be fun with it. Apparently he also has a massive cock, so y’know, options.
- (Streetcar-era) Marlon Brando – because I’m a good husband, who wants to watch his wife get fucked by someone whose mere name makes her go a bit gooey and weak at the knees.
- Kate Winslet. She’s probably my longest-standing celebrity crush, and in this case the perfect gift to my 17yo, 27yo, AND 37yo selves.
- Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica. Given the wording of this question, I feel like I ought to have at least one fictional character in here, and Katee Sackhoff’s portrayal of Kara Thrace – aka Starbuck – frequently had me crossing my legs in slightly-surprised arousal as I watched the show. I feel like she’d probably enjoy this particular scenario
What’s a fully clothed shot from a (mainstream) movie that you think would be fun to recreate as an erotic and/or nude photo? Featuring either just you or multiple people.
The first one that sprang to mind comes from the dance scene in The Thomas Crown Affair. It’s such a fucking hot sequence, as she pursues him to a black-and-white ball, and he turns the tables by pursuing her through the dance, till they’re locked together in a kiss by the end. Frankly you could pick any one of a dozen different still images from that two-minute dance, but the one I love most comes when she hikes up the bottom of her diaphanous dress and sashays back into him as he waits, bewitched. It helps in this instance that the person who asked this question has a hint of Thomas Crown-era Rene Russo about her in some of her photos!
Do you ever wish you had a bigger cock?
Of course! Show me a man who hasn’t occasionally wished for an extra inch or two, and I’ll show you a man with a really, really big cock. Leave insecurities out of it for a minute: I think anyone with an ounce of imagination or creativity has at some point wondered what it would be like to be different in some way. Different physically. Whether that means taller, shorter, bigger, smaller, different hair, different genitals, or whatever, surely everyone’s thoughts stray that way once in a while? I’d love to have a bigger cock, at least for a day or two, just to experience what it’s like to have someone’s eyes widen in that way when I push it inside them. That would be pretty cool.
Overall though, I’m perfectly happy with what I’ve got!
Do you have any advice or tips for people wanting to be poly/non-monogamous?
Plenty! But perhaps the most important one is the same tip I’d give someone thinking about having a threesome for the first time: chill! It’s not not a big deal, but you do have some control over how big a deal you make it. Trying poly doesn’t have to mark some big and irrevocable departure from the sex life you had previously, in the same way that having a threesome doesn’t change or ruin you forever for 1-1 sex. There’s no sharp dividing line between one and the other, forcing you to pick a side and stick with it.
So yes, maybe try it on a bit and see whether it suits you, but don’t feel like that means you have to commit fully to ‘the poly lifestyle’. There’s no one default way of doing non-monogamy – you have to figure out what works best for you, and that means communication, experimentation, and probably the odd fuck-up along the way. If you already have a partner who wants to join you on that journey, and the two of you prioritise consent, check-in with each other regularly, and make sure you have a realistic idea of what you both do/don’t want, you’ll be just fine!
What helps you to feel comfortable talking and writing about sex when socially it can be considered taboo?
This community, and the people I’ve met within it! Honestly, that’s been just the biggest help in so many ways, but especially in this one. I started my blog because I was carrying around so many thoughts and feelings about sex, so many fantasies and desires, and they just didn’t have an outlet. It’s not just that I couldn’t sit round the table at home, or at work, and talk to family or colleagues about why I wanted to get fucked in the ass by a man while a woman sat on my face – I felt like there was no-one I could share those things with. Because my blog feels like it’s mine – even with 2,500 Twitter followers and 8-10k hits each month – and because I’m surrounded now by brilliant people who talk and write about sex in a similar way, I no longer think of it as something that’s taboo in any way. I have that outlet. I’m also still at least nominally anonymous, though I’m not sure much would change if that was no longer the case. Like a lobster in a pot of simmering water, I’ve changed so much in my outlook on sex, and in my willingness to talk openly about who I am and what I like, that without noticing it I’ve started doing that way more in public too. It feels good.