People ask ‘either/or’ sex questions all the time. Would you rather watch or be watched? Do you prefer to give head or receive it? Are you dominant or submissive? Boiling down complex questions into simple, binary choices can be a useful way of forcing ourselves or other people to reveal (often surprising) truths about sexual preference and outlook.
It’s also frustrating as hell. Of course it is! It’s frustrating because all too often the cop-out – but also the only honest – answer to those questions is “yes.” I certainly feel that way about a whole bunch of ‘either/or’ posers.
Would you rather fuck someone in the ass or take it in yours? Yes.
Do you prefer MMF or FFM threesomes? Yes.
Surreptitiously fingering someone in a bar or getting a sneaky hand job on the bus? Yes.
Is that because I’m a greedy slut who just wants all the good things? Also yes. But I’m ok with that. A helpless failure to pick one sexy option over another is revealing in itself.
Which brings me to the latest ‘Kink of the Week’ prompt. When Molly invited us to write something on ‘being talked about’ (and clarified that this meant hot/dirty talk rather than subtweeting and bitchy gossip), I had about 17 different ideas all at once. Some of them involved two or more people discussing me while I was naked in front of them. Others involved me doing the talking, with someone else on the receiving end. In most there was a strong in-person element, but a few just featured sexting or some other form of remote communication. In every single one though, there was something that made me go “oooh, that’s hot.”
Here are four of those ideas, each one of which I could happily have turned into a 1,500 word post of its own.
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Erotica. First person. F/M, but obviously there’s another player involved. I wake up in a new lover’s bed to see her standing in the doorway, talking to a girlfriend in the next room about the sex we had the previous night. She’s candid – explicit in places (“his dick felt so good in my mouth,” “I know we were loud, but I just really wanted his jizz in my arse”) – and I feel my cock getting hard as I wonder whether she knows that I can hear every word. The gushing compliments. The pregnant pauses. The smirk I can hear on her face as she gently mocks the way I did this or didn’t do that. It could just be an easy morning chat between two housemates…or it could be so much more. That tension is what drives the story: the quiet, careful movements of my hand under the covers, and the ambiguity in her tone and casual posture. How much of what she’s saying is for my benefit? Does she want to catch me like this, slowly pumping my dick and fully primed for her to slide down on top of it once her friend leaves for work? What happens when she does turn around and see the duvet moving over my crotch? Does she wind things up in the doorway or double down? Take advantage of how much she’s turned me on, or make it clear that she wants me to finish myself off like that while she talks and jokes and laughs about everything we’ve just done together.
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A real-life fantasy where things get switched round and I’m the one doing the talking. Well, I or we. Because there are a group of us in a hotel room and Liv’s naked on the bed. The atmosphere is almost friendly rather than out-and-out hot, but it’s all the more sexy for that, since things are progressing at exactly the pace Liv needs. There are toys spread out around her – Doxy, Zumio, a glass dildo (all her favourites, basically) – and while she tries to control her breathing, we talk gleefully about how fucking amazing she looks, how loud she’ll be when one of us pushes the dildo inside her while someone else holds a wand to her clit, and who’s going to have first use of her very willing mouth. Because hey, I can vouch for just how fucking good she is, and I’m in a sharing mood. In fact, someone probably ought to just push their fingers or their cock inside it, so everyone else can see how greedy she is for something to suck. I promise they won’t regret it. Not that they need any additional assurances on that front: we’ve already talked at length about just what she can do with her lips and tongue. How wet it makes her to feel a dick get hard as she sucks it, or to have someone move their fingers in and out, coating them in her saliva. Maybe those fingers will go straight in her cunt next, or maybe she’ll already have someone else there, working her favourite dildo back and forth, commenting as they do so on the way her thighs are starting to shake. Never mind, they’ll just have to wait their turn. Plenty of time for everyone to have some fun tonight.
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A memory this time. One from long ago. Planning a threesome with my then-girlfriend. She takes out a Craigslist ad, with all messages going to a shared mailbox. We haven’t specified a preferred gender for our playmate, but of course it’s mainly cis guys who respond. Horny guys. Guys who immediately want to fuck her, because why wouldn’t they? She’s really hot and the photos we’ve attached to the ad are pretty explicit. But each time she steers the conversation round to me. Are they willing to fuck me too? What about if I just sucked their cock? How do they feel about fucking her in front of me?
Whenever I log in, there are more filthy messages to read. She tells each guy exactly what she wants to happen. The noises she knows I’ll make when I’m forced to kneel there and watch him absolutely rail her with his big dick. The way I’ll bury my head between her legs and make her cum as she sucks him off, till she moans all over his cock. How much it’ll turn her on to see us kiss, or to feel us rubbing against each other inside her.
One afternoon she makes me read a whole bunch of those horny conversations out loud while she takes every inch of my cock in her mouth and just holds it there. She only starts to suck it, to move her lips up and down over the head, when I tell her what I’d want to happen next. As I vocalise each detail and nuance of those fantasies, building on the pictures of me that she’s already drawn with someone else, I know I’m not going to be able to stop till I’ve jizzed down her throat.
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The joy of enthusing over a mutual crush with one of your partners. It’s something I’d forgotten about till a couple of weeks ago, but it’s 100% a thing. From the “OMG, you too?!” moment where you realise you both fancy the same person, to the gleeful swapping and sharing of notes and observations from your respective chats with them, it serves as both a bonding exercise in your own relationship and a way to open up exciting new horizons that you might be able to explore together – regardless of whether there’s any practical prospect of you actually exploring them with that specific individual.
In this particular case, any kind of in-person threesome seems unlikely, but I imagine that won’t stop my partner and I wondering aloud to each other how exactly things might go. After all, we have plenty of data points to feed into any filthy chat. The sex we’ve already had. The sex we’d like to have. My conversations with our new friend; and hers. Plus the best input of all, imagination. We’re also not starting from scratch: this isn’t the first time we’ve discussed the idea of fucking someone together. Mix up all those different ingredients and we should find ourselves in a bit of a virtuous circle; the things she and I talk about (and fantasize about) feed directly into those individual chats with our new friend, which in turn spark fresh ideas and horny scenarios for us to mull over. Especially if and when we get her properly involved, at which point I’m sure she’ll find out exactly what we’ve been saying about her…
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What do these four little vignettes have in common? For one thing, I’d like to think they show how intimate it can be to talk about someone like that, whether in front of them or not. Explicit, kinky, romantic, the tone almost doesn’t matter: if you’re opening someone up with your words like that, it’s going to have an effect on them. For that reason, there’s a huge level of responsibility attached to how you do it. You’re painting a detailed, sexual picture of another human being – one you’re hopefully at the very least fond of and attracted to, and in all likelihood one you love deeply – so you’d better bloody well be kind and get it right!
Think of it like this. How many of us would LOVE to be a fly on the wall at our own funeral? It’s perhaps the single most infuriating thing about the very idea of death – we miss out by just a few days on the one time people are pretty much legally obliged to gather in a room and say nothing but nice things about us. Now imagine we could have just a bit of that, but we’re naked at the time and maybe tied up with someone else’s dick in our mouth. That works too, right?
Well yes it does, but for the most part only if the person eulogizing us is rich and generous in what they say. And that absolutely doesn’t preclude measured, consensual cruelty; plenty of us get off on humiliation, so if someone knows us well enough to push those buttons in just the right way, it can almost feel like a greater form of affirmation than even the most effusive praise. The point is that anyone in that position has a great deal of power over us. They can make us feel like a million dollars, or completely kill any desire we have to continue with whatever scene had begun to unfold.
So yeah, if you’re the one doing the talking, it’s not just a case of rehashing whatever cheesy dialogue you heard on Pornhub the previous week [note: pay for your porn, people]. You’re trying to turn someone on, yes, but you’re also in a position to make them feel really fucking good – or bad – about themselves in a broader sense, especially given the added sense of vulnerability sex tends to trigger. The whole thing needs to feel personal, rather than generic.
I didn’t really want to end this post on such a serious note! I guess there are good reasons why subtweeting and other forms of online gossip or Chinese whispers are ultimately so poisonous; so many of us, myself included, care more than we might sometimes like to admit about how we’re perceived and discussed by other people. Any chance we get to hear those views first-hand almost can’t help being loaded with potential for both triumph and disaster, whether sex is involved or not.
Hopefully in most cases the former will prevail. Certainly a regular or long-term partner ought to be a safe bet when it comes to saying the right thing, and I hope I’d generally know which of their buttons to push too. With a safety net of trust and mutual respect to catch you if things do go wrong, there are just so many fun and filthy options to explore that I sometimes really don’t know where to start!
Being discussed in a sexual sense or talking about someone else that way? Turns out my answer is pretty much just “yes”.
