Author: Exhibit A

I’m writing this post on a BA flight from Heathrow to Warsaw*. To one side of me is a taciturn, middle-aged Polish chap, his head buried in a book. It’s in English and he’s reading slowly, as if he’s puzzling over unfamiliar words. Across the aisle is a young American woman, maybe late 20s, with long blonde hair and a huge rock on her ring finger. She’s scribbling furiously on a stack of sales reports, pausing every now and then to swig from a bottle of Diet Coke.

I haven’t talked to either of them, nor will I. It’s early, for one thing, and I’m never at my best first thing in the morning; more importantly though, they both look like they want to be left in peace.

That’s not always the case. Flying does funny things to people, especially when they’re on their own. It’s such a transient activity – and so weirdly disconnected from everything that happens either side of it – that we often adjust our behaviours accordingly. We leave our everyday lives for a few hours and step into a bubble where no-one knows who we are or what we do. For all the seatbelts and safety announcements, the scheduled meals and regulated bathroom access, it’s one of the few times we’re able literally to rise above our troubles, and that can be a tremendously liberating experience.

I want to taste you.

I want to lift you onto my kitchen table, hike your skirt up around your waist, and push your thighs apart with my hands. I want to hold them like that, fingers gripping you firmly, and press my face against the patch of damp lace between your legs.

I want to feel the soft, slick skin through your knickers; to rub my nose and mouth all over it, till you’re so wet that your juices squeeze out the sides and cover my chin.

“I’d be so happy if I could have a cock for a day. Just one day, that would be fine.”

“What would you do with it?”

“Well I’d definitely fuck your arse. And make you suck it. Oh, and have a wank. I’d want to put it everywhere. It would look like yours, but maybe a bit…”

“…a bit what?”

“Um, a bit bigger? I fucking love your cock. It’s almost perfect. But you know I’m greedy…another inch or two would just be even better…”

I’ve been meaning to join in with Kat and Kilted Wookie’s ‘Food 4 Thought Friday’ meme for a while now, and when I saw last week’s prompt* I decided that this was a good time to dip my toe in the water:

‘If you have sex with men, how much does penis size matter?

If you are a straight guy, how do you feel about the size of your package? Has it ever been an issue for you?’

At this point in my life, I don’t have sex with men. However, I do enjoy looking at other guys, I get off to porn where guys fuck each other, and obviously I have a penis of my own, so the question is relevant on various levels.

Click here and here for the first two parts of this, and here to read the 2014 version.

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You seem very body-positive, but you must have a physical ‘type’? Imagine one day we all get sex robots – what would yours look like?

Asking me that is a bit like asking “what would you have as your last meal on Earth?” – my answer will change on pretty much a daily basis, and will only really reflect whatever I’m craving at the time. This afternoon I might be in the mood for Peking Duck and a Kate Winslet sexbot, but by tomorrow morning there’s every chance I’ll want Eggs Benedict and Natalie Portman. Or a really good pizza and my English teacher who I really fancied when I was 17.

Of all the questions I got sent for my 300th blog post Q&A, one immediately stood out as the thing I was simultaneously most and least looking forward to answering:

Which movie character would you most want to sleep with, and/or is there a particularly hot scene from a movie that you wish you could participate in?

Come on now! So many hot, sexy characters. So many hot, sexy scenes. How on Earth could I be expected to pick just one??

Here’s the thing though. It’s my blog – I don’t have to pick just one! I can shamelessly cheat and rattle off as many as I like. With that in mind, I eventually settled on three combinations of character + scene that do it for me – any more would turn this into a stand-alone blog post [EDIT: this turned into a stand-alone blog post…] – so with apologies to Heath & Jake in the mountain tent, James McAvoy & Keira Knightley in the library, and Scarlett Johansson in pretty much anything, here’s my final list: